I had something of a foul temper as a kid. As mentioned in an earlier article (How Anger Can Be Damaging), several experiences I had made me realise I had to do something about it. The question was what to do, and how to go about it. I knew that when I felt angry, it was physically bothersome, and made me choke. So I could not just pretend I wasn’t experiencing it, and “be calm”. It felt like the anger needed an outlet, otherwise I’d choke or explode. So the next best thing that came to mind was to express the anger in ways that did not hurt me or anyone else. So I found a couple of ways that worked for me.
One way was to put my face into a pillow and scream at the top of my lungs, as loudly as I could, for as long as I could. I found that the physical exertion caused by doing this took away the energy of the anger, and I calmed down soon after. The other way was to take it out in the garden. I’d take a pick axe, go to the garden, and start digging. I’d dig and dig and dig away until I fell down exhausted. Bear in mind that at the time, I was just a child of around 10. The pick was very heavy for me, and I could just about manage to lift it up with some difficulty, never mind wielding it and using it to dig! Once again, it was the physical exertion that seemed to do the trick. It was a relief to be able to express my anger, but in ways that did not make me feel bad later, hurt people around me, or damage things. Another thing that helped was to drink some water after the shouting or digging; it helped soothe the feeling of constriction in the throat.
When I look back, I am amazed by how a child of 10 could have such profound wisdom: to learn from their own outbursts, to know that it is not healthy to bottle up emotion, and to find a way to express the emotion harmlessly. We often come across people who are stressed and angry, and express it in ways that hurt others. I can see them with compassion, because I understand first hand how they must feel (though I suspect most people don’t even experience anger with the intensity that I did as a child). That said, there is absolutely no excuse for not regulating the expression of anger. If a child can do these things, then surely a grown up can. This isn’t about me, or about me being special. I see myself as just a normal guy, like anyone else, and if I can do it, so can anyone else. Its simply about realising how damaging the ways we express anger in can be, and then choosing to express it in a different way. Of course, we are likely to slip several times, but with sustained effort, anything can be achieved.
There is an incredible amount of energy in emotions, specifically in anger. It is like a fire: once lit, it can be used to burn down something. Rather than burn down our house, why not use it to burn some rubbish that we no longer need? If we try and bottle it up inside, the very same fire burns us up from the inside. There are specific physiological effects of unexpressed emotions on the body, which we’ll get into some other time. It is interesting to note that I did not know any of these things as a child, nor was I thinking this way when I decided to express my anger in a harmless way rather than bottling it up. Looking back, it seems that there was some deep wisdom inside which guided me to express the anger and not hold it inside.
And how am I doing now? I rarely get angry to the point of needing to express it in the “classic way”. Its there all right, just as fiery as before. When I do express it, its usually done in a calm and measured way. On the very rare occasion when I express it in a fiery manner, it isn’t me “flying off the handle”; it is me choosing to express the anger in a very specific way because other ways are not working. I’m aware of what is going on. Its a good idea to leave a few minutes to allow the effect to be felt, but soon after, I apologise, lest it result in the person feeling hurt. Hurting someone is never the intention. A dear friend of mine from England, Colin, says this: “Hurt people hurt people“. Most people are just trying to get by in the best way that they can.
The energy of anger can be used to deliver some incredible results. That is the topic of this article: Using Anger Positively.